Condolence messages: what to write and what to avoid

It is the hardest text to write and the one most people avoid, with the result that many grieving people get silence from people who did want to be there for them. It is worth sorting out with a few simple criteria.

Three things that matter

1. That it gets there. An imperfect message is worth infinitely more than none. The fear of saying something wrong is what produces silence, and silence hurts more.
2. Name the person. Using the name of the person who died, instead of avoiding it, is one of the things people appreciate most: it confirms they existed.
3. Don't ask for anything. Not a reply, not composure, not explanations.

For the ribbon on a wreath or arrangement

Keep it brief and clearly signed. Common choices:

• "With deepest sympathy — The Gómez Family"
• "Rest in peace — Your coworkers"
• "With love and respect — The Sales Team"
• "Rest in peace"
• "Farewell, Roberto"

Ribbons have limited space. What goes here is the formal acknowledgment; the personal part goes separately, by message or in person.

For a personal message

• "I have no words. I just want you to know I'm here."
• "I heard about your dad. I'm so very sorry. A big hug."
• "No need to reply. I'm with you."
• "I'm thinking of you all. Anything you need, let me know."
• "I'm going to miss Marta. I remember when…" — a concrete memory is one of the best things you can send.

What to avoid

• "They're in a better place," "God knows what he's doing." Unless you share that belief with the person and know it will help, it can sound like you are explaining their grief to them.
• "I know how you feel." You don't, and even if you went through something similar, this is not the moment to shift the focus.
• "You have to be strong." It adds an obligation for someone who can't cope with anything.
• "At least they didn't suffer" or any "at least." Minimizing doesn't comfort.
• "Let me know if you need anything," on its own. Nobody lets you know. It is better to offer something concrete: "I'll stop by Thursday with food, no need to reply."

The support that helps most

It is usually not in the first days, when there are many people around, but in the following weeks, when everyone has gone back to their lives. A message a month later, a call, showing up on the birthday of the person who died: that is what people remember years later.

What is appropriate to send in each case is in what flowers to bring to a wake.